Since Adam is back at work, I'm at home alone all day. It's been a bit difficult for me, but I've been given a chance to be creative and to spend some time alone to reflect. Today I went for a walk in the misty rain around our neighbourhood, and had a really nice time saying goodbye to the fall. My favourite season is autumn, and we had a really beautiful one in Montreal. Everything was so colourful and vibrant. On my walk I observed that everything is now looking fairly grey and dead. I was listening to the Album Leaf, and then to Jose Gonzales, and the weather and music was really in sync with my outlook. I wasn't feeling depressed or angry or anything, but kind of realized that I've been so apathetic lately that I haven't allowed myself to feel anything at all. I've been wearing emotional armor to protect myself from job rejection, from boredom, from driving myself insane with my own thoughts. Instead of letting myself get emotionally invested in anything, I've been watching Oprah and Dr. Phil. I think it was survival instinct kicking in, preventing me from being consumed with worry over our finances and situation. I guess I was letting the darkness eat me up.
Anyway, I feel more like my old self now. I've decided that I need to keep working creatively even though I am unemployed, and I'm going to start working on a project. I've been wanting to write a book for a long time, and I have an idea for a story. Even if I don't end up finishing it, it will be good for me to start working on a project that I have complete control over.
One song from Jose Gonzales really struck me today on my walk. I would urge you to check it out if you have a chance:
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